What is loss and how does it affect someone?

Loss is an integral part of life, we all experience it and will continue to do so from birth until death. As babies we may lose our favourite teddy and experience ‘grief’, this is shown by crying unconsolably until another teddy appears, or we are distracted by something else entirely. Our attachment then shifts to our new toy and the old teddy is forgotten.

A loss ‘event’ requires that some part of the individual be left behind and grieved for before the process of transition ad rebuilding can occur. With a baby losing a teddy, the grief is short lived. As we get older and attachments become deeper, the grief process and subsequent process of transition takes longer to resolve.

Loss is defined as “the state of being deprived of or being without something one has had, or a detriment or disadvantage from failure to keep, have or get “– that’s quite a mouthful and doesn’t exactly role of the tongue but there isn’t really an easier way to say it.

An older child may have a stronger and longer visible reaction to the loss of a favourite toy i.e. the grieving process lasts longer. The child feels the loss on a deeper level and so the process of adjusting to life without the toy takes longer and any replacement may take longer to grow attached to.

As we get older, possessions may hold even more meaning for us. Their importance can be measured on many levels. Some possessions may have been part of a family for generations connecting that person to his/her past and the family heritage. A good example of this would be selling a childhood home which could represent the loss of connection to childhood. Fire and theft and often deprive people of treasured possessions that have immeasurable significance. Each loss will be grieved over before adjustment and eventual transition to a new reality/life without that possession takes place.

Relationship losses can occur because of death, illness, divorce, separation, abandonment, rejection or abuse within what was expected to be a trusting relationship. Anychange in a relationship as we once knew it, perceived it to be, or experienced it, constitutes a relationship loss. This loss may result in losing an integral part of and sense of who we are, especially if we have invested a big part of ourselves in it. Imagine a divorce after 30 years of marriage. Being ‘married’ is part of who we are. We need to rediscover our sense of self. The grief process involves letting go of a former object, person or sense of identity, grieving the loss of that item, person or part of you which is gone forever, and rebuilding a new life without that object or person or creating a new identity. This grief process will be experienced from long term illness, physical change e.g. loss of legs or facial disfigurement, impairment or even professional burnout. The loss of hopes and dreams, the experience of disappointment, or any major change in personal circumstances result in a grieving process.

As we age we may grieve the loss of childhood, of innocence and of our perception of how easy life was back then. Memory may add a rose-tinted view of our past ages, nevertheless, we can experience grief for our perceived losses.

As we reach old age, and often before our losses are compounded. It’s important to remember that this is the natural order of things. We will almost certainly have lost parents, and may have lost friends, siblings, partners, maybe even a child. We may feel we no longer have a useful purpose, or we are needed as children grow up and get lives of their own. But we do. We are all important and have value. Life is always worth living.

Sometimes we all need a little help dealing with losses in life no matter how small. The effects of loss and so change are specific to each individual and even apparently small losses can have a huge affect often depending on other factors such as other related losses or past experience of loss. Remember, if we lose anything we grieve. It doesn’t have to be a person, a possession or relationship, it can be something else. It could be losing a job and maybe not getting another. A loss of self- respect or the essence of what we feel makes us a person e.g. the family breadwinner. As women become mothers so the role of motherhood defines them but what of the person who loved long distance running or partying all night. Or, the person who decided to spend a whole day in bed just because they could or booked last minute holidays without a second thought. Suddenly it feels that person is gone, and the new role may be wonderful but at the same time frightening and the sense of loss of control over life can be overwhelming. Some will happily embrace the changes and move forward with excitement. Others will need a little help to adjust to the change. This can be described as post- natal depression but it’s not just hormonal changes, it’s a grieving process for the old life, the old self.

Once the adjustment to parenthood has been made and embraced and the new identity accepted so it changes again as children grow up and leave and start to live their own lives. The parent is no longer needed for day to day care and needs to redefine their roles in life. Maybe trying to discover the self before children and embrace their restored freedom.

For a man or women who has worked for 20 years or more in a certain role, to suddenly be made redundant or have to retire due to ill health or simply retire because it’s time, this can be a loss that will be grieved over as they come to terms with their new identity and role.

Counselling can help people come to terms with change and losses in their lives whether real or perceived and help them deal with the changes that loss brings so helping them begin a new chapter in their lives.

It’s always good to talk.